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Will Styler

Associate Teaching Professor of Linguistics at UC San Diego

Director of UCSD's Computational Social Science Program

A Collection of Terrible Puns

As my students are sadly aware, I’m a connoisseur of really awful puns and wordplay. I’ve been collecting them for years, sharing with friends and family, and posting them on social media with the #crappypuns hashtag. Some are Will Styler originals, some were given to me by friends, and many were found around the web. All are just awful.

So, here’s a small part of my pun collection, ones that my friends and students have already heard, shared for the betterment (?) of the internet in general. I’ll update from time to time as I find more or more arrive on my doorstep.

Presented in no particular order, with long-form puns or puns with similar attribution separated out.

Last Update: 3/13/23

How can you spot a nosy pepper? It gets Jalapeño business!

I’m addicted to brake fluid, but it’s OK because I can stop at any time.

What did the prescriptivist owl say? Whom whom.

A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll have a rum …………………. and coke.”

The bartender asks, “What’s with the big pause?”

The bear shrugs. “I was born with them.”

What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.

Did you know deer can jump higher than the average house? It’s because of their strong hind legs and the fact that the average house can’t jump.

In German Prisoner-of-War camps, escapes were a a major problem, so they would try to break the prisoners’ spirits by making them do mindless things. In particular, they would make the prisoners stand in a line and all move their heads like a clock back and forth and say, ‘tick tock tick tock.’

Some prisoners, unable to escape or otherwise change their situation, chose a very subtle rebellion. They would do the head motions, but instead of ‘tick tock tick tock’, they would wait until the guards were further down the line and switch to ‘tick tick tick.’

None of the guards noticed this was going on for many months, until finally, a young lieutenant was caught ticking by a senior SS Captain walking behind the line.

The captain stopped the exercise, walked over, face-to-face with the young man, and “A rebel. Vell, don’t vorry, ve have vays of making you tock.’

What did one eye say to the other? Just between you and me, something smells.

What do you say to a Llama that loves picnicking? Alpaca lunch.

A vacationing penguin is driving his through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers.

After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station. The mechanic looks up and says “Looks like you blew a seal.”

“No no,” the penguin replies, “it’s just ice cream.”

A photon checks into a hotel. The front desk asks if it has any luggage. It replies “no, I’m traveling light”

I can’t stand Russian dolls. They’re so full of themselves.

Did you hear about the glass blower who accidentally inhaled? He got stomach pane.

What do you call a snail that isn’t moving? An escar-stay.

Did you hear about the new corduroy pillowcases? They’re really making headlines.

If you see an Apple Store get robbed, does that make you an iWitness?

Why couldn’t the pony sing in the choir? He was a little horse.

Did you hear about the woman who loved making archery supplies? Every day she went to work, she quivered with joy!

The past, the present and the future all walk into a bar. It was tense.

What’s the body temperature of a Tauntaun? Luke Warm.

Why did the hipster burn his mouth on pizza? Because he ate it before it was cool.

One day, on the savannah, a lion, a cheetah, an elephant and a warthog were all sitting around after their respective meals and discussing which species has the biggest potential for success. The elephant suggested that they settle this, once and for all, and that they take a cue from humans and test this by starting their own businesses, and then checking in in a month to see who did best.

The Warthog decided to hire other warthogs to occupy the shadiest groves, and then charged animals $5 to lay in the shade.

The Elephant built an elaborate harness for his back, and charged other animals $15 for elephant rides.

The Lion started a personal protection racket, offering gazelles protection from the lions in exchange for a fee of $10.

But the Cheetah had the best idea of all, starting a courier service, using his incredible speed to bring messages from animal to animal, all across the savannah, for $20. Within weeks, all the animals were using the Cheetah’s service to communicate, while the lion, elephant, and warthog sat mostly idle.

Finally, a month had passed, and the elephant, cheetah, warthog, and lion met up again with their bank statements to try and guess who might win. The Warthog had earned $150, the Elephant had earned $185, the Lion had earned $200. But Cheetah’s bank statement showed only $2. The other animals were shocked, because “Fast Cat Courier” was the most successful business by far. The other animals asked Cheetah what went wrong.

“Business has been great,” the spotted cat said, “but alas, Cheetahs never prosper.”

Rumors of a food shortage at this year’s spoonerism conference turned out to be a complete lack of pies.

Don’t ever believe an atom, they make up everything.

I’m glad I know sign language, it’s pretty handy.

Did you hear that Cray computing is working on a new supercomputing cluster designed specifically to simulate mental illness? They’re calling it the Cray Cray.

Why does Waldo (from Where’s Waldo) always wear a striped shirt? He doesn’t want to be spotted.

I dropped my toothpaste, I’m crestfallen.

Girl walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre. So he gives it to her.

I went to a zoo the other day, but there was only one dog there. It was a Shitzu.

Why did the scarecrow get an award? He was outstanding in his field.

A Roman walks in to a bar and says “I’ll have a martinus.”

The bartender says “you mean a martini?”

The Roman replies “no, if I wanted a double I would have asked for one.”

Be kind to dentists. They have fillings too, you know.

All the toilets in the NYPD headquarters have been stolen. The police apparently have nothing to go on.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was really just a play on words.

Why did the can crusher quit her job? It was soda-pressing.

What do you call a broken can opener? A can’t opener.

Why do people love switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus. Unlike Canada’s, which I could take or leaf.

Becoming vegetarian was a huge missed steak.

I was was going to tell a joke about a dead parrot, but it was way too Macawbre.

How do trees feel in the Spring? Releaved.

Why do defense lawyers go out for Mexican food when they’re feeling down? To get some case-ideas!

Did you hear about the sale on paddles? It was quite the oar-deal.

If a Wizard uses magic to hold up a camera and take a picture of himself, is that a Spellfie?

Did you hear that the Devil is going bald? Yeah, there’s gonna be hell toupee.

Why is Peter Pan always flying? He Neverlands. (Sorry, but that joke never grows old).

What language do bridges speak? Span-ish.

If a kid won’t take a nap, is that “resisting a rest”?

What do you call a dog magician? A Labracadabrador Retriever.

How many ears does Captain Kirk have? Three, the right, the left, and the final front ear.

A king, wanting to host an elaborate wedding for his daughter, raised taxes on all citizens of the kingdom by thirty pieces of gold. Everybody paid, except for one young count.

The king sent a tax collector, but the count refused. “This is unfair, and I shall not pay!”

The king sent the sheriff, but the count refused. “I will not support the king’s new tax!”

Finally, the king had the count arrested, and thrown in the dungeon. He explained to the count that failure to pay was treason, and he would be executed, yet still, the count refused.

So, the king had him brought to the top of the tower, and neck on the block, with the executioner’s axe raised. The king asked the count to pay. He defiantly shouted, “Never!”

Then, as the executioner’s axe began to fall, the count shouted “OK! I’ll pay!”. But it was too late, the executioner couldn’t stop the heavy axe, and the count was killed.

The moral of this story? Don’t hatchet your counts before they chicken.

Straws are for suckers.

What do you call a lawyer who can cook? A sue chef

Did you hear about the World War I soldier who survived both pepper spray and mustard gas? He was a seasoned veteran.

Why do Buddhist monks avoid sending word documents? They’re supposed to avoid attachments.

Why do teenage girls travel in odd numbered groups? Because they just can’t even.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

Broken pencils are pointless.

Have you ever had sex while camping? It’s f***ing in tents!

I went to a dog show the other day. A Yorkie took Best in Show, a Jack Russell took second, and a Scotty took third.

I’m starting to think the judges had some sort of All-Terrier motive.

Did you hear about the actuary who wouldn’t make whipped cream? She was whisk-averse.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

I don’t enjoy computer jokes. Not one bit.

I changed my phone’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

Jokes about german sausage are the wurst.

I got a job at a bakery, because I knead dough.

What do you do when you find Niacin and Thiamin at your front door? You vitamin, of course!

Did you hear about the guy who started chirping after a one night stand? They think he caught a canarial disease.

I refuse to work with compost, it’s degrading.

A guy walks into the doctor’s office. A banana stuck in one of his ears, a cucumber in the other ear, and a carrot stuck in one nostril.

The man says, “Doc, this is terrible. What’s wrong with me?”

The doctor says, “Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly.”

Why aren’t depressed people worried about flat tires? They’re always carrying despair.

What do Russian kings order on their pizzas? Czardines.

Did you hear about the banker who left her job? She just lost interest.

What happens when a piano falls down a mineshaft? A flat miner.

Did you hear about the guy who turned into a vampire before he was bitten? Yeah, Premature edraculation is rough.

What happens to Nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen

How do you measure the quality of my puns? A sighsmograph!

If loving kindness changes your life, is that Mettamorphosis?

A termite walks into the bar. He sits down and asks “hey, is the bartender?”

Did you hear that somebody spiked the punch at a roof designer convention? The next day, everybody had a terrible overhang.

A Mexican magician told his audience he would disappear on the count of three. He wrapped his cape around himself and counted. “Uno… Dos…” and then disappeared without a Tres.

A Steak Pun is a Rare Medium Well Done

Did you hear about the exorcist who offers a payment plan? Apparently if people fall behind on payments, they’ll get repossessed!

Did you hear about the antiques collector who found an old Coca-Cola lamp? She was soda lighted.

Did you hear about the Celiac Disease sufferer who went to a wheat processing plant? She was a real Gluten for punishment.

My friend fell into an upholstery machine. He’s fully recovered now.

Upon his coronation, a tribal king decided he wanted to upgrade his woven-grass-and-wood home. So, he commissioned the best weavers in the village to build him a two-story home.

Weeks later, the grass-weavers finished, and moved the king’s property in. But the King wasn’t happy. He wanted to build a king-size bed, but the massive stone throne used in the tribe was in the way.

Figuring a second-floor throne room would be more impressive, the King ordered the workers to bring the throne upstairs, and then weave him a nice, big bed on the first floor.

A few more weeks later, the King finally moved in. On the first night, he and the Queen decided to test out the bed. Their testing got vigorous, and they shook the walls of the house, causing the heavy throne to plunge through the grass ceiling onto the bed, killing them both.

The moral of the story? When you live in a grass house, don’t stow thrones.

What do you give the Pharaoh who has everything? A gift cartouche.

A clown held the door open for me. What a nice jester!

They say that no two people see color the exact same way, so really, color is just a pigment of your imagination.

Did you hear about the guy who pickpocketed a dwarf? How could anybody stoop so low?!

I was sitting in a coffee shop, and “Bolero” came on. Around 8 minutes later, everything started to un-Ravel.

Why don’t chemists like puns? All the best ones argon.

How can you tell when a clock is hungry? It goes back four seconds.

What did the buffalo say to his son who was leaving for college? Bison.

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone’s relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts. However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird’s beaks and claws.

By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

He very quickly concluded the cause: When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout “Cah”, not a single one could shout “Truck.”

My friend just installed ethernet in his home in Sydney. I can’t wait to visit the LAN down under.

My wife and I sometimes disagree about whether to add eggs to cream. Custardy disputes are always rough.

Did you hear about the guy who jumped off a Paris bridge? He was in Seine.

Did you hear about the woman who put snakes in her hair to cure migraines? Yeah, it’s oddly Medusinal.

What do you call a book on Voyeurism? a Peeping Tome.

Did you hear the guy making fake $1 coins? They arrested him in his apartmint.

Where do pagans shop to prepare for rituals? Rite aid!

I was recently collaborating on abstract with a strict character limit. Every time somebody wanted to add something new, they would find some punctuation and remove it to stay under the character count. Eventually, we ended up with an abstract during which the reader could never pause.

The Tragedy of the Commas strikes again.

My very favorite dishes are all cooked with petroleum byproducts. I guess you could say I have refined taste.

My local Renaissance Festival is casting Knights tomorrow at 4pm. Be there or be Squire.

Why did the owner of a gentlemanly goose move to North Korea? He heard it was a great place for his propaganda.

My friend David just had his ID stolen. We just call him Dav now.

Did you hear about the machine that electronically castrates bulls? Yeah, these days, nobody buys a farm without power steering.

Why do university administrators love asparagus? It’s all stem. - Blame Kevin McGowan

Fiction always talks about the drama and mystery surrounding a departed relative’s will. But most of the time, it’s a dead giveaway.

What do you call it when a cat wins first place at a dog show? A cat-has-trophy!

Did you hear about the man who left his fortune to the San Andreas nature preserve? He was generous to a fault. - Blame Kevin McGowan

I need to stop hanging around with pessimistic horses. Neigh-sayers never add anything to the conversation.

Did you hear about the oil spill relief workers who cleaned 15 dolphins with a single box of borax? Turns out that, just like it says on the box, it’s a great multi-porpoise cleanser.

Two amphibians were croaking at each other outside my window. It was Toadally ribbeting!

“Doctor, help! I’m shrinking!” “Take this and you’ll be back to normal in a few weeks. Until then, you’ll just have to be a little patient.”

My neighbor’s TV only plays shows in Spanish. Poor SAP.

Did you hear about the casino restaurant that feeds its cows cannabis? Yeah, some gamblers prefer high steaks.

What’d the conductor say when she found her missing music? SCORE!

Did you hear that Apple is removing low quality programs from the iTunes Store, and writing down the developer IDs so they can’t submit more later? It’s about time they started kicking apps and taking names.

So the University of Illinois at Urbana Med School has created a new program to help doctors deal with patients who fake injuries to get drugs. Turns out that doctors from Urbana are really familiar with Sham Pain.

Did you hear about the camouflage store that doesn’t accept credit cards? Their patterns are in-visa-ble!

Did you hear about the middle school that voted to change their mascot? It was an agricultural area, but they wanted to be progressive and offer a female mascot. So, they had three choices, a female sheep, a female goat, and a female deer.

After a long campaign, a series of debates, and a day of students voting yes or no on each, the principal stood before his students and announced that, in a unanimous vote, the new school mascot would be a female sheep.

It seems that even after all the campaigning, debate, and division, the student body only had Ayes for Ewe.

How does Satan like his pasta? Al Dante.

Did you know that dropping an ant into a glass of water will tell you its gender? If it sinks, girl ant. If it floats, boy ant.

Why don’t mathematicians use knives to eat prime rib? They know it can’t be divided!

Why do bulls make terrible salesmen? They charge too much.

Do the Dukes of Hazzard ever stop for the police? Not General Lee.

I was running a study the other day where I dressed some people up as Koalas to see if it made them sound more Australian. It mostly went well, but some people needed to be shifted into the no-costume control group because they didn’t like the fake fur. I hate diskoalafying participants.

Did you hear about the wealthy Muslim leader who was extorted for millions of dollars by a local organized crime group? It wasn’t that interesting, really. Just your classic mafia Sheik-down.

To the guy who invented Zero: Thanks for nothing!

Where did the king keep his armies? In his sleevies.

Did you hear about the cannibal social? Yeah, they really like to meat new people.

A neurologist was diagnosing a man who had lost the ability to do basic math.

“What’s 9 plus 9?” “12”.

“What’s 8 and 8?” “10”.

The doctor shook his head. “Very interesting. What about 6 times 5?”

The man thought for a second, and answered “1E”.

“Aha, I’ve figured it out!” The doctor said. “Somebody’s clearly put a hex on you.”

Did you hear that Snoop Dogg brought an umbrella to an outdoor concert? Yeah, fo drizzle.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

Did you hear that Kaiser Permanente is starting a smaller company to handle people who just need insurance for a few months between jobs? It’s called “Kaiser Temporariente”.

Did you hear about the Chess Grand-master who, after he lost a match, destroyed the table with a massive hammer and called lightning bolts down to destroy his opponent’s car? He was banned from future competitions for being such a Thor loser.

Did you hear that Magnesium formed an oxide layer? OMg!

I swatted a bee today. It was kind of a buzzkill.

Although I do sometimes make terrible puns, I think if you were to look at all the puns I make, the good would outweigh the bad, and it’d average out OK. Put differently, although I may make terrible jokes, I mean well.

I just found a penny in my dryer’s lint trap, and I can’t figure out where it came from. But that’s ok, I love it when the world just makes cents.

I stayed on a ranch last weekend, but couldn’t really sleep well. Every time I’d drift off, a female horse would whinny and wake me back off. It was a night mare.

Did you hear about all the hidden meanings in the Lion King? Yeah, it’s full of Simbalism.

Why did the young horse practice galloping in private? He didn’t want to make a foal of himself.

Did you hear about the modern sushi restaurant which was taking heat from traditionalists for serving battered, fried tropical eels? “O tempura! O moray!”

When I was young, I wanted to be a dolphin, but as I got older, my sense of porpoise faded away.

Did you hear that Rudolph and Dasher got sponsored by a coffee company this year? It actually makes sense, because they’re Santa’s Star Bucks.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer the other day. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

Did you hear about the over-booked introverts camping trip? A lot of people left because it was two in tents.

Did you hear about the Army commander who planted 1500 saplings near the North Korean border? Yeah, he felt the key to security in the region was more infant-tree on the ground.

Did you hear about the guy who ate six cans of alphabet soup? He had the biggest vowel movement ever.

One day, an Australian man was sitting in a clearing in the forest, banging cymbals and pots and pans and loudly singing off key. A local warlock was working nearby, and came out to confront the man. He tried to be nice at first.

“Hey, would you quiet down? I’m trying to cast spells”.

The man ignored the warlock, and kept banging on the cymbals and pots. The warlock grew angry.

“Quiet down or I’ll cast a spell on you!”

The man ignored him, and sang louder.

The Warlock snapped. “If you don’t stop that racket by the time I count to three, I’ll turn you into a Koala Bear and THEN you’ll be quiet!”

The man burst into a louder chorus still. The Warlock started to count.

“One!” The man banged the pots louder.

“Two!” The man started banging the pots on the cymbals.

“Three!” The Warlock raised his staff, shouted incantations to the sky, enveloped in a buzzing sphere of yellow light, hurling it towards the man and yelling “Now you are Koala!”

But the light dissipated as soon as it hit the man, and he kept on banging the cymbals and singing.

The Warlock shook his head. “That’s impossible! How did you not change?!”

The man looked over at the Warlock and shrugged. “It’s just like the last guy who wandered by said. I’m unbearable.”

If you’re considering working in a prison library, you’ll need to consider both the prose and the cons.

What’d the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye matey!

Somebody just broke into my apartment and stole every lamp, flashlight, and lightbulb. I’m so delighted.

A Horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, you’re in here a lot, are you an alcoholic?”

The horse ponders for a minute then responds “I don’t think I am.” And poof, he disappears.

This is where philosophy students start to snicker, as they’re familiar with Descartes’ famous postulate, “I think, therefore I am.”

But telling you that first would be putting Descartes before the horse.

I was gonna tell a joke about Sodium, but then I thought, “Na”.

I almost just walked across a freshly re-coated blacktop driveway. Alas, my pathfinding appears to be Phalty.

It turns out that Diet Mountain Dew is the same price in vending machines on campus as it is at local grocery stores, so I’m not losing any money buying it cold and fresh. Nobody can say I haven’t done my Dew diligence.

One day, the man driving a large passenger train was texting with his new girlfriend and unthinkingly accelerated the train into a curve. The train went out of control and derailed, killing everybody on the train but him. After being sentenced to 98 counts of manslaughter at the trial, he was sentenced to death.

When the day finally came, the warden asked what he wanted as his final meal. He responded “Eighteen bananas and a cup of grain alcohol”. When the Warden questioned why, the man fell silent. But, trying to be compassionate, the Warden provided the bananas, which the man quickly and purposefully ate, one after the other. After refusing to talk to a priest, the man was brought into the death chamber and strapped into the electric chair.

Finally, all procedures completed, the Warden threw the switch. All the lights in the room went dim, but the man sat quietly in the chair, completely unaffected. After a full minute, the Warden cut the power, checked all the connections, turned up the current, and threw the switch again. A sharp hum echoed through the room, the lights flickering and dimming, but again, the man sat unaffected, tapping his fingers as if bored.

The Warden, clearly perplexed, went in back, checked the breakers, replaced the headband and tightened all the straps. He turned the current to the maximum, and threw the switch. The lights went out throughout the rest of the prison, the room filling with the sound of arcing power and the sharp smell of Ozone. But after two full minutes, the man in the chair shrugged, clearly bored, and the Warden turned off the power.

The Warden removed the man’s blindfold. “According to the law, if you survive three execution attempts, we have to let you go. But I’ve got to ask: was it the bananas and the alcohol that saved you, somehow?”

The man shook his head. “No. The jury said it themselves: I’m just a terrible conductor.”

Why are Lab-Collie crosses so good in teams? They’re natural Collaboradors!

Today at my local grocery store, they were playing the 80’s “I bless the rains down in Africa” song, which is now ruthlessly stuck in my head. At least they had good bread, so it wasn’t a Toto loss.

Two men were sitting on the banks of the Vaal river, in South Africa, watching people wade across. They watched a short, young girl and her petite mother swim through without trouble. Then a tall man tried to wade across, and got swept away by the current. Then a group of young boys floated across on a log. Then a huge bear of a man, attempting to swim, was forced back to the shore, nearly drowning.

One says to the other, “You know, it’s odd that these huge men keep getting pushed back by the river while schoolchildren cross uneventfully.”

The other shook his head. “Not really. You know the old saying: The bigger you are, the harder the Vaal.”

I bought my friend an elephant for her room. She said “Thanks!”, I said “Don’t mention it.”

So, can a Parseltongue in the Harry Potter Universe write code in Python?

What time do you go to the dentist? Tooth hurty.

How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for Fresh Prints.

I walked by an eye clinic’s waiting room today. I didn’t go in because everybody there looked kind of funny.

Did you hear about the secret pilot? He spent much of his life in da skies.

Did you hear about the dog who swallowed scrabble tiles? His next trip out to the yard spelled “disaster”.

Singing quietly has never been my forte.

Did you hear about the farm that produced camel milk? They shut down because of the chaos caused by camels running away and attacking people who tried to milk them, combined with legal disputes and a nasty divorce among the owners.

Yep. Turned out to be a real drama-dairy!

What do French people call a terrible thursday? A Trajeudi.

Living in Ann Arbor, I have developed a terrible speed bump addiction. But I’m slowly getting over them.

Did you hear about the man who called his doctor’s office because he’d turned invisible? Sadly, nobody could see him for weeks. (Credit to Ezra Keshet for the improved punchline)

I was just talking with a buddy, and he mentioned a Mike Nguyen, and I thought he was talking about another guy, Dom Nguyen. I guess you could say it was a Nguyen/Nguyen situation.

Why can’t bikes stand up unsupported? They’re two tired.

Did you hear about the Norwegian robot that analyzed a bird? Yeah, it’s Scandinavian.

Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.

Did you hear about the man who swallowed six small plastic horses? Doctors described his condition as “Stable”.

I think somebody added more dirt to my vegetable garden. The plot thickens!

Did you hear about the new website Colorado has developed for the released rare wild cats, which helps them to connect, keep tabs on each other, and discover new opportunities? Yeah, the state’s pretty optimistic about LynxedIn.

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Russian, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, Two Kiwis, a German, and American, a Cypriot, an Egyptian, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Romanian, a Dane, an Israeli, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Greek, a Norwegian, an Ethiopian, a Nigerian and a Chilean walk into a nightclub.

The bouncer steps in front of the group. “Sorry, I can’t let you in without a Thai.”

Did you hear about the group of boats which crushed each other against their mooring structure? Yet another casualty of pier pressure.

I don’t trust stairs. They’re always up to something.

What’s the best courier company to send parcels of food to former lovers? Fed Ex!

I just burned a Hawaiian pizza I was making. Should have cooked it at aloha temperature!

A bottle of Omega 3 Fatty Acids fell on my head yesterday at the store. Don’t worry, I only got super fish oil injuries.

How do Greek people navigate their way to lunch? Using a Gyros-scope!

I had a terrible speed bump addiction, but I’m slowly getting over them.

I keep trying to start exercising, but it just isn’t working out.

Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory? De-brie went everywhere.

Did you hear about the fork factory with inconsistent quality control? It was the best of tines, it was the worst of tines.

Did you hear about the pacifist insect farmer? He got fired because he wouldn’t herd a fly.

Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft? Classical Conditioning!

What kind of doctor is always on call? An oncologist!

Guy walks into the bar with jumper cables over his shoulder. Bartender says, “Don’t start anything!”

Just after finishing a four year stint in the Navy, my friend changed her name from Marie to Mary. I asked her why. “It’s like they always say,”I before E, except after sea”

Two old vulture buddies have been flying from New York to Florida every winter together for years. But one year they mutually decide that they’re too old to be flapping their wings for those many hundreds of miles, and they’re going to take a commercial airplane. So they make their reservations.

They arrive at the airport and walk up to the counter to check in. The agent, seeing that one of them has a suitcase, says ‘May I check that for you, sir?’

The vulture replies, ‘No thank you. It’s carrion.’

(Courtesy of Ellen Kaisse)

My friend has fallen head over heels for a new girl. She’s only a humble whisky maker, but he loves her still.

RIP Boiling Water. You will be mist.

Did you hear that the inventor of the Knock Knock joke got a no-bell prize?

Why are noses in the middle of your face? They like to be the scenter of attention.

A woman walks into the ER and sits down in chairs. After a moment of silence, she shouts “Shouldn’t!”. A minute passes. “Can’t! Wouldn’t!” Another minute. “Oughtn’t! Could’ve! Won’t!”. A doctor hears her shouts and dashes over to her. “Somebody call the maternity ward! This woman’s having contractions!”

Did you hear about the depressed pachyderm? He felt irrelephant to the people around him.

Did you hear about the new discount human egg harvesting chain that’s pushing all its competitors out of business? Yeah, they’re really taking ova.

Did you hear that the guy who can tell the future using fish eggs has a date AGAIN tonight? Yeah, turns out he’s quite the Roemancer.

Did you hear about the woman who started going to parties and joining new clubs after she made pesto? Yeah, she apparently she used extroversion olive oil by mistake.

Did you hear about the passionless baker? Yeah, he doesn’t really care about his work, he just kneads the dough.

Sharon Miller, a prominent local architect, had been designing a beautiful stone porch for her mansion for several years. The process was racked with indecision, with changes to the design and materials coming nearly every week. At one point, she’d even ordered fifteen tons of a beautiful (and surprisingly inexpensive) shale to build the structure, which she paid for in full at the time, only to realize upon delivery that the stones, although gorgeous, were just too wide, which she felt didn’t perfectly capture the beauty of her intricate design.

So she put a tarp over the stone and went back to the quarry, eventually settling on an astronomically expensive figured marble, planning to buy on credit and hoping that an upcoming job in Tuscaloosa would pay her enough to cover the cost. But then, as the train to Tuscaloosa left the station, and while she was on the phone with her stonemason, she got a text message telling her that her design had been rejected.

And so it was that later, as Ms Miller rode the rails, that her porch, at first quite costly, used the wider, paid-off shale.

What do you call a contact language used by people taking public transportation? A passenger pidgin! (Thanks Emily Davis!)

I’ve started investing in stocks: beef, chicken, and vegetable. Someday, I hope I’ll be a bouillonaire.

Did you hear about the guy who broke open his piggy bank? Yeah, he really beat it centsless.

What do you call an Altoid that loves word play? A punnish mint.

The roles of ‘nature’ vs. ‘nurture’ is an ongoing debate in the psychological field. But one’s preference for taking an elevator over an escalator is surely a difference in upbringing.

These aren’t puns, strictly speaking, but they’re too good not to post.

A bar was walked into by the passive voice.

An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.

Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”

A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.

Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.

A question mark walks into a bar?

A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly. Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Get out — we don’t serve your type.”

A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.

A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.

Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.

A synonym strolls into a tavern.

At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar — fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.

A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.

Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor.

A figure of speech literally walks Into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.

An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.

The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.

A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned by a man with a glass eye named Ralph.

The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

A dyslexic walks into a bra.

A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.

An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television getting drunk and smoking cigars.

A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.

A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.

A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony.

(Thanks to Andrew Provisor for this set of jokes)

How many tickles does it need before an octopus laughs? Ten tickles.

Do you know that tadpoles are natural story tellers? It’s just sad that when they get older, they lose their tales. (thanks Kevin McGowan)

Geology rocks, but geography is where it’s at.

One time, I went on a trip to visit a company and consult. I hoped they might send a limo and driver to the airport to get me. They sent a harlequin instead. It was a bit disappointing, but I guess it was still a nice jester.

I just opened a fortune cookie with nothing inside. How unfortunate!

Did you hear about the flat Earth believer who decided to walk west until he fell off? In the end he came around, and the only thing he had to fear was sphere itself.

Did you hear about the Vietnamese Restaurant that hired people to stand in a line that wraps around the building, just to seem more popular? Yeah, it’s a real Pho Queue to their customers.

To be frank… I’d have to change my name.

Did you hear about the mathematician who hates negative numbers? She’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.

“Everything I write comes out in tables. I guess you could say I was born to Excel” - Paul Smolensky

I had a great pun lined up about cheddar, but it was way too cheesy.

Did you hear the police found a misspelled message written in blood? Yeah, they suspect it was a type-o.

Trigonometry is so confusing. I wish I understood sine language.

I took my ailing Iguana to the vet recently, and she prescribed him Viagra. Apparently, it’s designed to treat a reptile dysfunction.

How do you catch a one-of-a-kind rabbit? Unique up on it.

Why do teenage girls gather in odd numbers? Because they can’t even.

I just can’t stop putting things in the storage underneath my roof. I’m attic-ted.

What do you call a small soda without a tiny apple floating inside? Miniappleless Minisoda

Did you hear about the fish who got surprised by the Gulf Stream? Yeah, he hadn’t stayed abreast of current affairs!

I fired my masseuse today. He just rubbed me the wrong way

Why are two helium isotopes so funny? HeHe!

Argon walks into a bar. The bartender said “Hey, get out of here, we don’t serve noble gases”. Argon didn’t react at all.

How do you make Holy Water? You boil the hell out of it.

What do you call the lettuce left over after you make a salad? The Romainder!

Did you hear about the man who lost the ability to hear low and midrange frequencies? He was in a world of treble.

Why does the Little Mermaid wear Sea Shells? Because D shells were too big!

Why don’t tennis players get married? Because love means nothing to them.

Want to hear an Ebola joke? You probably won’t get it.

How does Moses make coffee? Hebrews it.

I was hoping to avoid vowel reduction in this dataset, but I seem to have failed. Put differently, I fought the schwa and the schwa won.

Why did the ghost cross the road? To get to the Other Side.

Ever wonder about the origins of the phrase “In a pickle”? Well, else would you call such a Dill-emma?

If you’re ever attacked by a group of clowns, go for the juggler.

What do you call having too many dogs? A roverdose.

What’s the difference between Batman and a shoplifter? Batman can go into a store without Robin.

Why did the patron at the Indian restaurant ask so many questions about the menu? He was just curry-ous.

Never trust a statistician. They’re always plotting something.

If you can have Orpheus or Eurydice in one place, but not both, doesn’t that make him XORpheus?

How much do computer scientists like 0 and 1? Quite a bit.

Did you hear that Gucci is experimenting with putting their logo on living cows? It’s quite an interesting brand collab.

Did you hear about the lions, antelopes, elephants and wildebeest that escaped from the Atlanta zoo? It wasn’t so bad, really, they found them all in Savannah.

These are all attributable to the truly punrivaled Indian Hills Community Center, whose sign many Coloradans have groaned at for years, and were transcribed from photos by Kurt Simmons.

Overeaters Anonymous 888-888-8888

Police Car loses wheels to thief. Cops are working tirelessly to nab supect

If your guy doesn’t appreciate fresh fruit puns, let that mango.

In high school Robert E. Lee was voted most likely to secede.

A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.

If you cannot master the guitar, Don’t fret.

Tongue-Twister champion arrested. D.A. seeking tough sentence.

I’ve started a chicken dating site. Not full time, but enough to make hens meet.

The largest mountains are always tired. It seems they don’t Everest.

Local apartment building has one unit left. It’s last, but not leased.

Man injured in bizarre Peek-A-Boo accident. He’s in ICU.

New CBD infused toilet paper! Now everyone can calm their butt down!

Butterflies are not what they used to be.

I can’t believe it has been a year since I didn’t become a better person.

The first step is admitting you’re a problem.

Life and Beer are very similar. Chill for best results.

I’m not bossy. I just know what you should be doing.

Underwear bandit caught. Admits brief crime spree.

Boycott Shampoo. Demand Real Poo!

Eat alphabet soup. Have a vowel movement.

Dr. Pepper is a fizzicist.

The Pillsbury Doughboy is my roll model.

Alaskan Eye Doctors are Optical Aleutians

What’s made of leather and sounds like a sneeze? A shoe!!

Did you hear about the guy whose nine-headed pet was stolen? He was really dehydrated.

A wealthy farmer, seeing his two boys having no direction in life, decides to buy them a cattle ranch, so they can raise the beef that they so enjoy eating. They ask him, “Dad, what should we call the cattle ranch?”. He says “Call it ‘Focus’”. Confused, they ask him why. “Well, the focus is where the sun’s rays meet.” - Blame Rich Morrow

Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He needed some space. - Blame Jasmin Olmeda

What kind of grades do pirates get in school? High C’s

In a forgotten part of a forgotten ocean lies an island which is best known for its hospital and rehabilitation facility for raptors. Also of note in the area is the rare species of dolphins that live forever. The eagles at the facility are excellent craftsbirds, producing various items that are highly prized by the dolphins. An enterprising Colobus monkey on the island has started a business delivering the items. One day she runs across a sleeping lion on jungle path. She gingerly steps over the lion to continue her delivery. Immediately a highway patrolman steps out of the jungle and gives her a ticket for transporting ill eagle goods over a staid lion for immortal porpoises. - Blame Rich Morrow

Did you hear about the successful tungsten miner? Yeah, he really took the W

Did you hear about the chemist who gave away every dollar he made? He was Sb.

Why don’t cows drive? Because they can’t steer! - Thanks to Daniel Hill

What do you call a cow that jumps from tree to tree like Tarzan? A Bovine. - Thanks to Daniel Hill